i returned to the motherland this weekend in order to bolster the economy via my parents’ money. i did it the michigan way by overindulging in food and clothing, and even got to see some terrible football to boot — terrible football that inspires terrible drinking that causes terrible results. two cautionary tales:

1. this is walt (in yellow).

you may not know walt, but that knowledge isn’t necessary to find this photo hilarious. what you should know is that walt loves michigan football. he will not get married during football season for fear that one of his anniversaries in the future may fall on the same day as an important game. consequently, when michigan sucks at football, walt gets sad and sometimes drinks. when this happens, walt sometimes falls into lakes or wanders 2 miles to a kroger to get carpet cleaner at 4am. this weekend, walt sang songs (his own impromptu “songs”) featuring the names of past michigan football greats while freak dancing a dude in a robe. i’m pretty sure grinding a guy with bad hair in a robe on the street in the freezing cold is something that only happens in college. which is why i’m glad i’m out of college now.

2. another reason why sadness-induced drinking may not be the best idea: the guy who fell from a 2nd-floor foyer and spilled blood all over the floor outside the bar. all this happened while i was cluelessly sipping my delicious canadian brew inside mitch’s, but you know nothing good happened when the owner shoos you out 30 min before closing, the cops are wearing blue latex evidence gloves, and there is crime scene tape all around. the ann arbor news has the details:

A Birmingham man is in critical condition this morning at the University of Michigan Medical Center after falling from the second-story balcony of a downtown Ann Arbor bar while apparently attempting a stunt, police said.

The 30-year-old man suffered a fractured skull and other serious injuries after landing head-first on the concrete outside Mitch’s Place, 1220 S. University Ave. about 1:15 a.m. Sunday, Detective Sgt. Richard Kinsey said.

Witness reports indicate the man attempted to slide down the railing of a stairway from the balcony.

The first officers to arrive at the scene said a large crowd of people was surrounding the man, who was unresponsive and lying in a large pool of blood.
…
Police estimated he fell roughly 18 feet. They confirmed he had been drinking at the bar but are awaiting tests result to determine his level of intoxication. Kinsey said no foul play is suspected and the incident remains under investigation.

i’m hesitant to post this photo, but it’s almost 4am and my judgment sucks. in my infinite wisdom, i took a pic of the bloody scene and got thoroughly reamed out by the cops. i deserved it, but in my defense, i didn’t know what had happened at the time.

you can’t see much, but perhaps that’s for the better.

moral of the story? don’t drink so much. you might do stupid stuff.

michigan with a ridiculous win.
northwestern is #1 in the big ten. (WHAT?)
lions can’t lose this sunday (bye).

if you let out a primal scream in your empty apartment, did it really exist?

not a bad weekend. i love america.

tina fey was perfect, but so was poehler. i just wanted to be on the record saying that she got every bit of pro-clinton frustration right. without poehler and the underappreciated writing, i’d posit that fey’s palin wouldn’t have been nearly as effective.

and if it’s possible you haven’t seen the video yet:

i’m still searching for video of the “cathy” segment in the middle of the weekend update. maybe even funnier than the palin/clinton opener. random and family guy-esque.

P.S. michael phelps sucked. besides all your fancy gold medals, you are a disgrace to the university of michigan. only slightly better than our special teams units.

everything that went went wrong this week:

my flag football team was destroyed
michigan was destroyed
russian plane crash
india bombed from the inside out
trains colliding
perhaps the largest govt takeover of a financial organization was initiated
another bank is about to go down

call me a crazy liberal, but i think this is all sarah palin’s fault. the timing is right.

this pretty much sums it up:

i’m not trying to be melodramatic here, but this could be the worst michigan/ND game in history. i’m not sure if the two teams individually have ever been this bad at the same time.

here’s hoping michigan is the least worst team. hurruh!

michigan’s “star” running back was caught DWI in grand rapids. he blew a .281, was passed out with the car in drive when the cops approached, and was about 9 miles wrong when explaining where he was. a map, courtesy of mr. dailey:

sean doesn’t think the map quite represents HOW WRONG grady was when trying to describe where he was, so i offer you this graphic:

other details from the police report:

• Grady was off-balance and unable to recite the alphabet, with officer Thompson quoting Grady as saying “O, R, S, J, L, P.”

• The officer said he asked for a number between 12 and 14, and Grady answered “15.”

• When asked whether Mickey Mouse is a dog or a cat, Grady answered “dog.”

there are two reasons to venture to the midwest. 1) to attend a conference for minority journalists and 2) to see boatloads of friends who have transplanted themselves in the middle of all things troy/university of michigan.

notes from the conference
1. workshops galore on how minorities are screwed in health, wealth, education, prison, everything. apparently we minority journalists are supposed to write stories about it all.
2. a quick guide on how to tell a print journo from a broadcast journo.

we don’t really care about radio, but they’re probably more like faceless print journos than anything else.

3. the senegalese president was speaking at this conference about free speech. there was quite the kerfuffle, and a fist fight actually broke out amongst critics and supporters. missed the fight, but did get to see a lot of angry people.

as for my many friends who live in chicago, our one night of partying can basically be summed up by this pic:

i just wish i could remember what song was playing.

check out the cute asian boy at the 2:43 mark.