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martha stewart: ‘whatever’

big martha was at school today speaking to a crowd of mostly undergrad wharton students. the whole thing started off terribly. she rambled on about her products (magazine, tv show, towels, macy’s, blog, twitter, etc.) and i didn’t go to listen to a 1.5-long commercial. luckily, there were highlights …

did you know?

1. that glitter is SO IN. martha stewart glitter is all sold out.
2. she blogs. her dogs blog. her dogs are in a feud w/ bill oreilly. martha stewart apparently thinks her dogs are real people. wtf. this is from the dogs’ blog …

3. did you know that people wash their sheets once a week? this from an unofficial poll of martha stewart’s twitter followers. i’m no statistician but …

best quotes:

1. “i’m really interesting.”
2. on rachel ray using the “every day” phrase: “whatever”
3. on going on letterman, and being spilled on (or something): “letterman was trying to distract me … not sexually.”
4. “i wrote my book right after prison”
5. how she describes the “mess” from five years ago, aka “when they should have been looking at mr. madoff instead of martha stewart.”

that last quote, i started an auditorium-wide slow clap. holla SEC.

and lastly, martha showed a clip of the “whatever, martha” show, where her daughter and annoying daughter’s friend watch old episodes of the “martha stewart show” and give it the “mystery science theater” treatment. the clip we saw was from a thai yoga episode, but here’s another episode i found. it’s not as funny, but whatev.

this guy is in every tv show i watch

garret dillahunt. he definitely looks like a garret:

just this week, he was a batshit husband on lie to me and then a pedophile on law and order: SVU.

last year he was also the bad robot on terminator: sarah connor chronicles, a serial killer/mad scientist on criminal minds, and a russian mobster on life. plus, he’s slated for appearances on burn notice and white collar, a new edition to USA’s lineup of light but tasty shows.

he’s probably playing a super bad guy in those shows, too.

and another TV update: NCIS: Los Angeles is pretty terrible. i like my crime shows with a dose of neurosis and sexual tension. none of that b/w LL and chris odonnell.

very short tv review

best new shows:
glee: they’re actually singing!
the good wife: never a julianna marguellies fanatic, but she’s excellent in the show. plus, josh from sports night!
the vampire diaries: reminds me of buffy, but WHERE IS IT GOING? also, better than true blood. yeah i said it.
i also watch melrose place: i’m not really recommending it, but i feel the need to admit this out loud.

still watching:
bones, gossip girl, 90210 (with heavy emphasis on the fast-forward button), law and order, law and order SVU, criminal minds, lie to me, project runway, it’s always sunny, 30 rock, castle, and dollhouse.

i just added NCIS: los angeles b/c i’m oddly curious to watch chris odonnell and ll cool j catch criminals … no matter how boring the original NCIS is.

i’ve also heard good things about modern family but i just tried to tivo it and that time slot is already double booked. comedies get shafted by police procedurals any day.

internet commenters are the best

i love people who comment on stories on ew.com and are like “who cares about jon & kate?” and “this isn’t news. you people are losers.”

1. um, no, it’s not news. but we are on the entertainment weekly website. no emphasis on “weekly.”
2. if no one should care about jon or kate or whoever, then why are you commenter #47 on this story? it means you cared enough to click on the story, read at least the headline, and then go out of your way to talk about it. people need to think.

all that being said, i love reading EW comments. almost as much as reading comments on freep.com.

law and order: jeff goldblum

um. they are firing vincent d’onofrio and kathryn erbe from law and order: criminal intent because they like goldblum’s more lighthearted style? are you serious? i was excited when they hired goldblum, but not anymore since he is TOTALLY STEALING THE SHOW AWAY AND DESTROYING IT.

i’m trying to think of the proper analogy here. it’s like the fun and charismatic obama stealing the democratic ticket from the old workhorse clinton. BUT THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT. b/c that was an actual competition. this feels like a coup. like goldblum swilled some scotch with dick wolf and was like, “you know that d’onofrio? kind of fat. kind of dour. i’m your guy,” as he cocked his head back and crossed his legs effeminately.

this is about as upset as i’ve been since monday when my fantasy team lost in a ridiculous comeback at the hands of ronnie brown and dallas clark. devastating. i am devastated.

should i be embarrassed?

that i love taylor swift’s “fifteen?” and that i like (love?) her in general?

also, should i feel shame that i kind of like “glee?” it’s up against “criminal minds” and “law and order: SVU” (damn you jay leno), so i’m facing a difficult decision with my double tuner.

another note on “glee,” which might be the deciding factor: i can’t stand when high school shows feature teachers and relevant personnel who are too good-looking. for some reason i can suspend disbelief for other genres, but high school shows don’t get any leeway. i just think about my own high school experience and how the hot teachers would definitely be messing around w/ students. my mind is in the gutter.

i think mad men is overrated

there. i said it. it’s boring, and the people are boring and sort of irredeemable. and did i mention that nothing happens? i see how it qualifies as “good,” and i can recognize the good writing and acting, but nothing about the show makes me want to watch the next episode. see betty draper? that’s what i look like when i watch mad men. and i make liberal use of the fast-forward button on my tivo.

a special friend of mine made some comment relating to this show about how culture is awash with anti-heroes nowadays. that may be true, but there aren’t actually any anti-heroes in this show (maybe heroines? but that’s a whole ‘nother discussion). everyone kind of just sucks as human beings. kind of like how it’s super boring to watch infallible and unstoppable superman, it’s pretty boring to watch flawed people make mistakes and screw others over again and again.

honestly, i just want a space ship to blow up. or perhaps an impending apocalypse. that’s when the real fun starts.

summer tv drama

i am waging an epic war against my tivo right now. apparently, if your cable provider says you need a cable box to receive channels, you also need to be mildly autistic to install a tivo.

what’s most frustrating is that it doesn’t have to be this way.
1. maybe i’m getting a fancy service right now, but in dc i got the same # of channels and i didn’t need a cable box. why do i need one now? i have some on demand nonsense, but i didn’t ask for it. i wanted the absolute most basic that would allow me to get TNT and USA. that is all.
2. ok so i have a cable box. then why do i need 4 extra parts (not including the cable and tivo boxes) to make this happen? if this weren’t CRAZY WORLD, i imagine it should only take one extra coaxial cable. it should be look like wall->wire->cable box->wire->tivo->wire->tv. instead i have to draw out the layout by hand (and i did it wrong anyway; missing one wire connecting the tivo to the tv):

stupid

or if you prefer the real thing:

chaos

turns out i’m missing one of the many connectors i need (shocker), and to make it more awesome, it’s custom-made by tivo. i also spent $5 to ship a stupid $7 wire that is probably the size of a twizzler.

no fear, i’ve still been watching tv anyway. like a glutton for punishment, i finished off the rest of kings on hulu and am just plain depressed that it’s been canceled. i still highly recommend; just treat it like a long miniseries and try not to think of what could have been.

i caught the first two episodes of true blood and am astonished that people watch this show. i’ve heard that the 2nd and 3rd seasons are different and better, but i don’t think i can suffer through more of this for an uncertain payoff. buffy was pretty rough the first season, but at least i liked the characters. these people on true blood are brutal, and not in a good way. and a note to HBO: we get it. people have sex and you want to be the king of verisimilitude or whatever. but when you have naked people humping all the time, i start to think that you just ran out of interesting story and decided to keep our attention by showing us a lot of bare ass. OVER IT.

i’d also like to acknowledge that i’ve seen one episode of gene simmons family jewels and could not have enjoyed myself more. it’s the male rocker version of kimora: life in the fab lane, which i love because that lady is crazy and fierce. incidentally, they have the same last name, but i’m pretty sure they’re not related.

next up: i plan to finish season 1 of dollhouse. i was so sure that the show would get canceled that i gave up and stopped watching after 7 episodes, even though everyone said it got better. turns out, it lives on, and now i have to catch-up. and fox, i’m still mad at you for axing the sarah connor chronicles.