my blog is under a comment spam attack currently. this is mostly annoying b/c i open my email up and it tells me i have (12) messages and that i am cool. then i look and realize that 8 are spam notifications, 2 are google alerts, one is an amazon suggestion, and the last is a reply from my father telling me he’s mailed that allergy medication. this is pretty much a small devastation every time.

btw, i know it’s spam b/c the comments are like “Great site!” and “Nice post!” now if these were real comments, they wouldn’t be as tame as these. i like to think my comments run along the lines of: “omg you’re such an idiot” and “this is the funniest thing i’ve read EVAAAAAA.” on skunkgal, hyperbole rules.

also, anyone who knows me knows that part of me dies inside when exclamation points are used without irony. none of my real friends/readers would ever do that to me, and even if they tried they should know that i know what they’re doing. got that?

in conclusion, i still have NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT, except for the fact that barack obama is apparently a star trek fan and that when he met leonard nimoy, he flashed him the vulcan sign. i’m not so sure about this “change” nonsense, but if the man watched DS9, i’ll lose my skepticism and follow him to the end of the earth (or, ahem, the final frontier).

ok party people, everyone must drop all their tv watching habits and immediately start watching “easy money” on the CW. i am singlehandedly trying to save it from cancellation. in 2 minutes i am going to write a letter to the CW. seriously. if you’re still watching BS shows like fringe and heroes, but not this, i will judge you. in fact, i’m judging you right now.

laurie metcalf, otherwise known as roseanne’s sister in roseanne, is rocking in the red wig, and the story of a loan shark family, with a son who was repo’d from a sadsack borrower, is the best show that’s going to get canceled and make me cry.

if you like shows that are smarter than they have any right to be, just watch this. TRUST ME.

perhaps i’m jumping the gun here (life on mars premieres tonight), but i’m going to have to come out and say that the cw’s privileged is my favorite new show this year. granted, the pickings have been slim, and of the 12 new shows that previously piqued my interest, one has already been canceled (do not disturb), two have been axed from my viewing list (raising the bar, fringe), and four have been getting such mediocre/bad reviews that i can’t muster energy to even try to watch them (knight rider, valentine, kath & kim, my own worst enemy). that leaves two i have yet to watch (easy money, life on mars) and three that i like enough to keep on so far (90210, the mentalist, privileged).

every week, 90210 loses me any time the students come on screen and are matched up in their little cutesy, angst-ridden couples (as you can imagine, this happens a lot), but oddly enough, the drugs, divorce, and parentals in the show — rob estes and aunt becky (full house!), particularly — keep me interested enough to record then fastforward through most of the hair-flipping badly delivered dialogue.

the mentalist is fine. it reminds me of “life,” but with not as badass of a lead. it also has robin tunney, who you will remember as the good witch from one of my favorite movies of all time: “the craft.” it was an awesome teen horror movie before scream made teen horror movies cool again. just ahead of its time.

but really, privileged is pretty good. yes i know it follows 90210 (which has problems on its own) and will likely get canceled, but that is exactly why you should watch it and save it. here are the first three reasons, starting w/ the ugliest on the left:

also, i need to convince at least one other person to watch this to discuss, so i don’t have to go to the imdb message boards anymore. this show is obviously not going into the pantheon of greatness, but as long as the lead character can keep her destructive awkwardness to a minimum, i’m on board. please join me!

lastly, even though there is little good new tv to watch, my old staples are doing me just fine.

my faves:
gossip girl
bones
life
law and order: SVU
terminator: sarah connor chronicles

enjoyable enough:
pushing daisies
chuck
criminal minds
heroes (although it continues to test my patience)
it’s always sunny in philadelphia

lots more tv blogging to come, but let’s start with the easy stuff.

plenty of new “talent” out there right now, and they all look like retreads of celebrities past.

first off we have the lovely anna torv (left) from “fringe.” she’s like an ugly cate blanchett who can only do three facial expressions (scowl, confused, distress). plus she has bad hair and tilts her head upward too much.

next there’s the fair lady from “privileged,” which may actually win the prize for best new show (more on that later). the girl, joanna garcia (right), looks just like amy adams (left). if you don’t know who amy adams is already, then don’t bother b/c she hasn’t been in any films you’d like. maybe “tenacious d pick of destiny” but she’s only listed as “gorgeous woman” and i’m not sure who she was in that anyway. if it was after the strawberry river, i don’t really care.

lastly, there’s this:

just kidding!!!! that’s actually the same person. on the left is what she looked like when she was “reaper” last year. on the right is what she sort of looks like now on 90210, emphasis on sort of. the first thing to note is that last year this same girl was playing a 20-something-year-old in reaper. in 90210, she’s playing a 16yo. i know people play young all the time, but on two shows both on the CW? come on. secondly, notice how much thinner she is in pic 2. 90210 has come under a lot of scrutiny lately for having “stars” who are too bony. i don’t disagree, but not b/c of the self-image issue (which i find valid), but b/c their arm-sized legs are just way too distracting. girls, i’m hungry for you.

and i just like to say stroup’s “being a model is so degrading and unfeminist” rant was pretty much a joke. holla at me if you’re a 90210 fan. i’m not obsessive yet, but i haven’t deleted it off tivo, which says something.

tina fey was perfect, but so was poehler. i just wanted to be on the record saying that she got every bit of pro-clinton frustration right. without poehler and the underappreciated writing, i’d posit that fey’s palin wouldn’t have been nearly as effective.

and if it’s possible you haven’t seen the video yet:

i’m still searching for video of the “cathy” segment in the middle of the weekend update. maybe even funnier than the palin/clinton opener. random and family guy-esque.

P.S. michael phelps sucked. besides all your fancy gold medals, you are a disgrace to the university of michigan. only slightly better than our special teams units.

starting this week, my life is basically over. between football and fall tv, i’m not sure how i’m actually going to hang out w/ real people. but onto the “reviews” and also some notes on tough decisions i’ll have to make.

the fall lineup organized itself into two basic categories: old shows that excite me, new shows that intrigue me.

shows like comfort food, except they make you kinda stupid, not fat:

gossip girl (cw, monday 8pm, already premiered): very ZOMG-worthy first two episodes for the 2nd season. and if you’re not already, like, totes obsessed, don’t let the subject matter fool you — this is a women’s empowerment tale. no waifish and talentless blonds were harmed when making this show.

bones (fox, wednesday 8pm, already premiered): this easily cracks my top 10 shows of all time, and i’m still catching up on old episodes in syndication. even awkwardly placed DC landmarks still bring a certain thrill. if you like quirk, this is good. if you like crime shows, also good. and the sexual tension b/w bones and booth is so friggin palpable i could lick it up.

terminator (fox, monday 8pm, already premiered): EXCELLENT season premiere. if you like shit blowing up and sloppy (yet effective) religious metaphors, you need to be watching this.

house (fox, tuesday 8pm, sept. 16): i watched last season’s finale and cried. a lot. this is particularly remarkable b/c i don’t watch the show at all. the finale was that good. this is low priority, but my interest is piqued.

it’s always sunny in philadelphia (fx, thursday 10pm, sept. 18): penguin, you’re so funny.

heroes (nbc, monday 9pm, sept. 22): the 2nd season was kind of bad, but i have faith it can redeem itself in the 3rd. as long as young spock has lots of screentime, we’ll be good.

law and order: svu (nbc, tuesday 10pm, sept. 23): no explanation necessary.

criminal minds (cbs, wednesday 9pm, sept. 24): i only started watching this b/c xander (from buffy) was on a couple episodes, but i like it anyway. i usually fastforward through 1/4 of it, so it’s a pretty quick hit.

chuck (nbc, monday 8pm, sept. 29): the first season was pretty good, but it’s a little zanier than my tastes usually run. moment of self-realization: i don’t really do zany. i think it’s why i don’t tend to watch comedies. EW says this season is way better, so i’m excited anyway.

life (nbc, friday 10pm, sept. 29): the guy from band of brothers is still cute (i think i said so last year), and this crime show is just different enough from all the others to justify its existence. also, dan and jenny’s very versatile mom is the lieutenant on the show.

pushing daisies (abc, wednesday 8pm, oct. 1): i was getting tired of this show by the end. nothing ever happened. but i’m all about second chances.

eli stone (abc, tuesday 10pm, oct. 14): this is a VERY zany show, yet i love it. there goes that theory. dear blog readers, will everyone please watch this show so it won’t get canceled?

30 rock (nbc, thursday 9:30pm, oct. 30): i’m so smart that i understand the jokes in 30 rock. yay me.

law and order: ci (usa, thursday 10pm, nov. 6): jeff goldblum fills in for chris noth. hopefully vincent d’inofrio gave birth to that gut he had last season.

new shows. **** for shows i really am truly excited about

raising the bar (tnt, monday 10pm, already premiered): zach morris has horrible long hair and is a public defender. this is an absolutely humorless show and has already been erased from my tivo. zach morris is way too self-righteous. HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF IRONY? and where’s your phone?

90210 (cw, tuesday 8pm, already premiered): i’m not that interested, but it has tristan wilds from the wire and that crazy biotch from nip/tuck. those two alone deserve at least one look into the show. i already missed the premiere, but i think i’ll be ok.

privileged (cw, tuesday 9pm, sept. 9): poor student tutors rich orphaned twins. hilarity ensues? i will watch the first couple episodes since it premieres so early (today), but if things get hectic, it’s out.

do not disturb (fox, wednesday 9:30, sept. 10): jerry oconnell and niecy nash run a hotel. i have a slight crush on niecy since i LOVE clean house, and i still remember when JO was on sliders. why don’t they make sweet tv like that anymore? this is a comedy, and i might not even watch it, but that combo is very very interesting.

easy money (cw, sunday 9pm, sept. 21): a hot adopted son looks for his real parents while helping run the family payday loan company. i will watch this b/c the lead guy used to be on roseanne.

valentine (cw, sunday 8pm, sept. 21): a family of greek gods help human soul mates find eachother. this could be really zany, which maybe is a bad thing. but points for creativity? 70% chance i check this out.

fringe **** (fox, tuesday 9pm, sept. 19): joshua jackson aka pacey goes all x-files on us and fights the supernatural. nice to see him doing something of note since dawson’s creek. better than marrying a crazy scientologist.

knight rider (nbc, wednesday 8pm, sept. 24): um. no.

the mentalist **** (cbs, tuesday 9pm, sept. 29): simon baker solves crimes. simon baker is hot. that’s all it takes, people.

life on mars **** (abc, thursday 10pm, oct. 9): cop time travels to the ’70s and must solve crime the old fashioned way. don’t know who the lead is, but lester from the wire and LISA BONET star. LISA BONET. i repeat, LISA BONET. she makes it an automatic must-watch.

kath & kim (nbc, thursday 8:30pm, oct. 9): i want to want to watch this, but i really really really don’t. shoutout to my fellow michigan wolverine selma blair, but i just don’t think i will be able to stomach this.

my own worst enemy (nbc, monday 10pm, oct. 13): christian slater is living a double life. hilarity ensues. remember when he was in bed of roses? yeah, me neither.

that’s around 16 shows i will definitely be watching, 6 i’ll likely check out, and 1 i’ve already dismissed. that’s so much tv, i kind of hope some of those shows get canceled.

if you look at the time slots, i’m also facing places where my tivo double tuner isn’t going to cut it.

tuesday at 9pm has the mentalist, fringe, and privileged competing for my attention. privileged is likely going to be shafted, mostly b/c it doesn’t seem to have any attractive men in it.

the REAL problem is monday at 8pm. here we have gossip girl, terminator, and chuck. ARGH. i think the solution will be to watch GG and terminator on tivo, and then chuck online. sorry chuck. that’s what you get for being ZANY.

one last thing about zaniness: what’s the diff b/w zany and quirky? i think the most important distinction is the reaction shot of the straight man or woman. a zany reaction to absurdity would be wide-eyed disbelief. the quirky response would be an annoyed eyeroll. and if you know anything about me, the eyeroll is a really important expressive tool of my own.

thanks to entertainment weekly for helping me write this blog post. it still took me forever, though.

samurai girl is a 6-hour miniseries airing on abc family about a japanese princess who has ninja skills and has to fulfill some destiny and with her trusty white friends, seeks revenge for her brother’s death.

as you can imagine, the series is kind of bad. for example:

1. the acting sucks 60% of the time.
2. the writing sucks 80% of the time. actually, i can’t really watch this thing w/ out tivo b/c i need to fast forward through so many parts.
3. the samurai girl is supposed to be japanese (duh), yet the actress who plays samurai girl is named jamie chung (from real world fame). if you know anything about asians, you know that ms. chung being japanese = unlikely.
4. in fact, none of the many “japanese” characters on the show are japanese. i mean, you couldn’t even find one?
5. all the slant-eyed characters are non-americans, yet remarkably none have accents. FOR REAARRS?
6. in the show, samurai girl is supposed to be 19. the attractive white man she’s supposed to be shacking up w/ in the end is at minimum 24. apparently this is not supposed to strike anyone as sort of gross.
7. samurai girl’s name is “heaven.” having to listen to bad actors ask “where’s heaven?” over and over kind of hurts my ears.
8. it’s on abc family. before friday night, i didn’t even know what channel abc family was even on.

so many things wrong, yet here i am, setting my tivo for the last 2 hours tomorrow night and blogging about it. yikes. in my defense, there is nothing else on tv right now, and the white knight that i imagine will end up w/ young heaven is michael from roswell (circa 1999). so no one watched roswell, i’m sure, and neither did i, but i always liked reading about it. it’s a show that was riding the coattails of buffy and about aliens and shit, and it also produced katherine heigl. i hear she’s a big deal now.

here’s brendan fehr before and after:

now i’m not really recommending anyone watch samurai girl, but i just thought i’d record for posterity that this is happening. thanks to the aforementioned tivo, i think i’ll have actually logged about 3.5 hours of time watching the entire 3-day, 6-hour event, so thank god for technology! there are few and far between shows that feature asians, and even if they do the whole martial arts/yellow fever thing here, i gotta support my people — even if my people are real world hasbeens who sell their bodies (image search “jamie chung” and check out all the pics that were amazingly too inappropriate for this blog) and whose next project is the movie “dragonball” of “z” fame. (btw, does anyone else think she looks like a young lucy liu or a more asian kristen kreuk?)

anyways, if you think i’m pathetic, someone should have hung out w/ me on friday or i wouldn’t have been sent to these depths. that is all.

but defying all logic, this 46yo father of two from troy (!!) will be on project runway this season.

holy crap now i’ll actually have to watch it.

premieres tonight at 9pm on bravo.

i hope he’s not a total douche, although will any of us troyalty really be that surprised if he is?