Too Much Skunk In Your Junk » terrible

most disturbing pic i’ve maybe ever seen

alison — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:50:15 +0000

it’s not gory or disgusting. just haunting and awful. and the story that accompanies it is awful. i can’t post it on my blog b/c it would kill the party just a little too much. ugh.

Frozen in indifference: Life goes on around body found in vacant warehouse

It starts with a phone call made by a man who said his friend found a dead body in the elevator shaft of an abandoned building on the city’s west side.

“He’s encased in ice, except his legs, which are sticking out like Popsicle sticks,” the caller phoned to tell this reporter.
…
A colony of homeless men live in the warehouse. Wednesday morning a few fires were burning inside oil drums. Scott Ruben, 38, huddled under filthy blankets not 20 paces from the elevator shaft.

“Yeah, I seen him,” Ruben said. The snow outside howled. The heat from the can warped the landscape of rotting buildings and razor wire.

Did he know who the dead person was?

“I don’t recognize him from his shoes.”

Did he call the police?

“No, I figured someone else did,” he said.

“There’s lots of people coming through here with cameras and cell phones. I don’t got no phone. I don’t got no quarter. Things is tight around here.”

His shack mate, Kenneth Williams, 47, returned at that point with an armload of wood.

“Yeah, he’s been down there since last month at least.”

He was asked if he called the police.

“No, I thought it was a dummy myself,” he said unconvincingly. Besides, Williams said, there were more pressing issues like keeping warm and finding something to eat.

“You got a couple bucks?” he asked.

what i’m missing in dc

alison — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 17:28:21 +0000

this happened a block from my apartment.

Car Wash Mishap Injures Two Employees

A car wash employee suffered seizure while driving a van out of a Northwest Washington car wash Tuesday, striking and injuring two fellow employees in the process, police said.

Earl Risby was outside, at 13th and O streets, Tuesday afternoon and watched as the employee at the Mr. Wash drove the white van out of the car wash so it could be dried. He watched in horror as the driver — who suffered a seizure, police said — ran over two of his fellow co-workers who were in the midst of drying off a blue SUV.

“I looked up and I seen the van come out — all of a sudden it accelerated,” Risby recalled.

“The back of the tire hit one dude on the leg. The guy in the middle of the street, it ran right over top of him,” he added.

i smell a lawsuit.

if you watch the video in the story, you can see my apartment in the distance at the :46 mark. the kicker of the story? the van was owned by metro. weird.

thanks houston, for the tip.

fake fire: i hate you

alison — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 00:11:10 +0000

i am currently at caribou trying to write some essays. when i came in, i sat down at a table next to what looked like a gently lit fireplace. “awesome,” i think. “it’s pretty f’ing cold out.” i sit down and realize it’s a fake fireplace with flames that are basically a fancy flashlight. I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

i just feel duped. but caribou has free wireless with lots of electrical plugs, and i desperately needed to get out of the apartment. i just want a real fireplace. not even real logs. just real fire. too much to ask?

maybe the worst ad i’ve ever seen. NSFW

alison — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:47:11 +0000

this was on an online article on the michigan daily’s site. why is he naked? why must the shot go all the way down to almost THERE? if you stopped just below the belly button, we’d get the general idea. argggh.

in other news, real furbys:

hanna, liars, coffee, and penises

alison — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 06:30:32 +0000

hanna made me a liar: that wasn’t my first hurricane, it was my first tropical storm, and it mostly felt like a really rainy and windy day.

onto penises. i had a guy shake his in my general direction today while i was studying for the GMAT. you’d think a coffeeshop patio at 8:30 pm would be a relatively safe place and time from sexual predators, but apparently not. the relatively well-dressed non-homeless white guy was about 30 feet away, and at first i thought he was just engaging in some indiscreet urination, but i got the point when he started staring at me while vigorously “handling” his flaccid junk in every direction except the one that would have hidden it.

and so goes the most action i’ve seen in more than a month.

cake wrecks: my friday love

alison — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:40:42 +0000

cake wrecks, a great blog about absolutely awful cakes, is the best thing that’s happened to me all day. if you need a pick-me-up, just click that link.

if you only have time to look at one post, make it the “inspiration vs. perspiration” post:

apparently a couple who was getting married wanted this cake:

this is what they got instead:

there is absolutely nothing good about this cake.

pregnancy pact. part of me has died inside

alison — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 15:52:13 +0000

let’s vote. what’s the worst part about this story?

As summer vacation begins, 17 girls (1) at Gloucester High School are expecting babies. … School officials started looking into the matter as early as October after an unusual number of girls began filing into the school clinic to find out if they were pregnant. By May, several students had returned multiple times to get pregnancy tests, and on hearing the results, “some girls seemed more upset when they weren’t pregnant than when they were,” (2) Sullivan says. All it took was a few simple questions before nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, (3) confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. (4) Then the story got worse. “We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy,” (5) the principal says, shaking his head.
…
The girls who made the pregnancy pact—some of whom, according to Sullivan, reacted to the news that they were expecting with high fives and plans for baby showers (6)—declined to be interviewed. So did their parents. But Amanda Ireland, who graduated from Gloucester High on June 8, thinks she knows why these girls wanted to get pregnant. Ireland, 18, gave birth her freshman year and says some of her now pregnant schoolmates regularly approached her in the hall, remarking how lucky she was to have a baby. (7) “They’re so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally,” (8) Ireland says. “I try to explain it’s hard to feel loved when an infant is screaming to be fed at 3 a.m.”

while the obvious answer is #5, i’m going with #6. first off, i really dislike showers (baby/bridal) and the image of 15yo girls high-fiving is wholly unnatural to me. which leads me to this …

some questions:
1. do girls high five each other?
2. is a 24-year-old homeless guy actually a college dropout who lives with his mom?
3. and jeez, who’s the girl who had to stoop to the homeless guy anyway?
4. will these boys/man have to pay child support or whatever? maybe some of them were “tricked,” but you still have to be cautious about where your semen goes.
5. have these girls EVER babysat for longer than 4 hours? then they’d know the price of unconditional love.
6. what kind of gifts do these girls think they’re going to get at their baby showers? NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE REAL JOBS.
7. and lastly, what is wrong w/ people?!

thx shulman for the link

only funny b/c no one died

alison — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:55:33 +0000

the first five paragraphs of this story are classic, so i’m going to bold every word that made me laugh out loud.

Boy, 12, faces drunken driving charge after crash

HARTMAN, Ark. (AP) — An Arkansas preteen faces a drunken driving charge after he and a friend drank his parents’ beer, “got liquored up” and crashed his stepfather’s pickup truck, the Johnson County sheriff said.

Sheriff Jimmy Dorney said the 12-year-old boy and his 10-year-old friend drove off in the truck May 4 to find a girl they met at a rodeo. The boys made it about 10 miles before the 12-year-old lost control of the truck.

Dorney said the truck hit and jumped over a guardrail, sending it careening 50 feet down a steep hill into a forest.

Clark James, 46, who lives down the road from the crash site, said he answered the boys’ banging at his front door with shotgun in hand about 2:30 a.m.

“I opened the door and the first thing (the 12-year-old) said to me was, ‘I’m drunk and I had a wreck,’” James said. “I looked at him and I thought ‘You’re kind of young to be out drinking. And you sure shouldn’t be driving.’”

nice find, esteban.

i am going to be a wife ‘failure’

alison — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:53:37 +0000

via boing boing

So far, my score = -17. this is only the first page of a longer test, but i’d say the future looks bleak.

RIP dear virtual friend

alison — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:26:35 +0000

last week we all said goodbye to barber college, a blog of many talents. it was topical, insulting, oftentimes just so wrong.

with the elan of those of us who used to work at their college newspaper and are obviously longing for times past, barber college was able to say out loud what all our sick minds were already thinking — it was just way smarter about it. its presence will be missed, and in honor of its passing, i bring you highlights from perhaps its most lasting legacy: myspace hottie of the week.

first, the reason why this was a good idea, from the sire himself:

All you goody two-shoes out there probably think this is a really mean thing to do, but peep these reasons why it’s not:
1) People who put personal information on sites like MySpace are asking to be judged.
2) Do you think they really care what I think?
3) I’m actually trying to help them by pointing out their shortcomings so that they may overcome them.
4) Facebook is infinitely better than MySpace. MySpace pages look like they were designed by my two-year-old son Jerry (Gerry?), and he has phenylketonuria, thanks to his mother.
5) The Internet was invented for making fun of people you don’t even know.
6) It’s fun!

the hotties:

1. the first one. excerpt: “MacDonalds [sic] or Burger King: Burger King (MacDonalds [sic] supports abortion)” Fuck that shit. I’ll take some Mickey-D’s Fetus Fries over a Whopper Jr. any day of the week.
2. the clubber. excerpt: “The warning: You might get herpes if you read beyond this point.”
3. the huckabee lover. excerpt: “Pamm has this little box that supposedly allows one to enter a dollar amount, click “donate,” and instantly give money to the Huckabee campaign. I decided to call her bluff. I tried to enter $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 in the box, but then it told me there was a $500 limit.

why, j-ho, did you have to grow a soul?