Skunkgal - Too Much Skunk In Your Junk

an open letter to kwame kilpatrick

dear kwame,

you have let me and the city of detroit down today. i thought you were tough; i thought you had resolve. instead, you fold when things get a little tough. i remember back when eliot spitzer got busted for that whole prostitution thing and he resigned a couple days after the story broke. i remember thinking, “kwame would never do that.” yet here we are.

the detroit spirit has completely abandoned your increasingly rotund body. you know exactly what i’m talking about. it’s the spirit that inspired your wife to beat that stripper in the mayoral mansion. the spirit that permeates through the detroit lions management and reaffirms their commitment to taking wide receivers in the first round of the draft. it’s the same spirit that allows the big three to give its collective middle finger to gas prices and say, “prius!?! hybrids are for pussies. here’s another F-150.”

so you’re going to jail, but do you really have to resign? i just thought you were better than that.


kwame’s in jail


Updated at 11:10 a.m.

Judge Ronald Giles just sent Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick to jail moments after the mayor pleaded for forgiveness and admitted he made an unauthorized trip to Windsor on city business.

“The first day you were before me, I thought I made it clear to you that this court comes first in everything,” Giles said. “I do understand that you’re under…pressure…but I have to look at how the system should be run and perceived by the public.”

“At the beginning of this case you were given every privilege that could be given to you with regard to travel,” Giles said, adding that he later imposed restrictions after learning Kilpatrick had been abusing his privileges.

“At that time I made it perfectly clear … don’t come back … ,” he said.

Court officials said Kilpatrick would remain in jail until he either posts the full $75,000 bond or until his lawyers can persuade a Wayne County Circuit Court judge to overturn the decision. But first, Kilpatrick would be taken to the 36th District Court detention area.

11 easy steps to being kwame kilpatrick

1. you become the mayor.
2. you cheat on your hot wife (left) to have an affair with your chief of staff.
3. you pay off bodyguards to cover it up.
4. in unrelated shadiness, you fire someone, but keep it all hush hush.
5. you voluminously text sexy messages with aforementioned chief of staff, along with proof that you perjured yourself — but do it with city electronics. all that convo gets recorded in the process.
6. the local newspaper nails your ass with a career-ending exposé using those not-so-secret text messages.
7. like a real man, you don’t resign (spitzer who?)
8. you claim racism.
9. to really piss everyone off, you enact “policy to limit access to the city’s text messages.”
10. you remain mayor long enough for people to forget why you were so crappy.
11. you become the stuff of legend.

UPDATE (5/19): for more on kwame’s legacy, check out the recently departed barber college, which likely was a subconscious inspiration.

kwame’s chick speaks

actually, she spoke years ago, but the adoring public just got access to lots more text messages. and i just spent a good hour of my life reading through 18 pages of court documents.

most of the texts are of the “I love you so much” variety (boring, and kind of gross in a not-over-high-school sort of way), but there are highlights. the documents start off talking about kwame and co.’s unseemly political machinations, but no one really cares about that. onto the juicy stuff (starting on page 9, for you following along at home), from most disgusting to saddest:

beatty: “i really wanted to give you some good head this morning and i didn’t know how to ask you to let me do it. i wanted to since last friday when you asked me at the club”

kilpatrick: damn. i just got out of the shower and looked at my two way. next time, just tell me to sit down, shut up and do your thing! i’m fucked up now!

beatty: i know, i’m sorry. i have done that before and i will do it again. i just didn’t want you to be turned off if you weren’t in the mood.

he asked at the club? she’s done it before? oral sex? or in a public place? these text messages need way more clarity. also, does T9 allow you to write “fucked?” i thought it screened out naughty words.

then you have this message sent from husband to cheating wife:

“how is your day? it’s amazing how you can go out of town, come back refreshed and i immediately piss you off … you had an attitude untill KK came over. then you were smiling. wish you smiled at me like that”

who knows if he did anything to drive this woman away, but at the moment of this text message, you can’t help feeling for him.

spitzer scandal: the saddest part

from the new york times:

Silda Wall Spitzer gave up a high-powered career as a corporate lawyer to raise three daughters and support her husband as he sought elective office, yet has always had deep reservations about his political career. Time and again, she has found herself in the particular bind of encouraging him during critical junctures in his public life while still holding on to some regret that he had chosen to put himself — and their family — there in the first place.

a cautionary tale? i’m putting a feminism tag on this, but i’m not sure if i mean it in that way. seems related though.

also related: people seem to think that this spitzer thing will hurt hillary clinton because it reminds us all of the whole WH intern thing. (remember that?) i actually don’t think this is the case at all, and speculate this might even help her, especially if spitzer’s wife continues to do the literal “stand by my man” bit as the scandal unfolds. can’t help but think that clinton is helped by the spillover sympathy vote, especially from women. maybe i’m overthinking this one, but i’m not so quick to conclude this is terrible for clinton.

also coming soon: i come out in defense of kwame kilpatrick. spitzer might be a freak, but kwame’s behavior is classic political corruption. epic, even.

proud to be a michigander

miss michigan won the miss america competition (yes, the one with the talent competition), and she is pretty hot.

but this woman is way too tan to be from michigan. it’s january, people.

also, i am absolutely loving this kwame kilpatrick text message scandal. do plan on carrying on an affair with your chief of staff? don’t send a shitton of text messages detailing every room where you’ve done the deed (such as room 311 at the residence inn in madison heights, of all places). i was looking for more hilarious transcripts, but this will have to do

KK: I’m at Laker game. The security doesn’t believe I’m mayor. [not anymore!] Mike is pulling out all kind of shirt to prove it.
CB: And, did you miss me, sexually? [no, just your stunning intellect.]
KK: Hell yeah! You couldn’t tell. I want some more. Don’t sleep! [kwame’s hungry …]

thanks jesse, for the research help.