sometimes dc sucks. yesterday, it didn’t.

on assignment, nikki and i went to the hill for lunch to try out obama/mccain burgers at spike’s restaurant. we all chatted about food and politics, and he was fine. a gentleman, but not necessarily a scholar. i asked why he didn’t put arugula on the obama burger, but i don’t think he got the joke.

here are the fruits of our “labor,” but i would have added this line:

On the other hand, the McCain burger was indeed tasty, but the mayo and salsa mix makes the bun slide around but thanks to the mayo and salsa mix, it was a mess — kind of like McCain’s campaign. Hiyo!!

a version of that was apparently edited out. bah.

after returning to work for four more hours, me and two of the USN sorority girls headed to a DC blogger party at the park, otherwise known as the bar where beautiful and well-dressed black people stand in insanely long lines on the weekend, but ugly people are allowed in on the weekdays. more free food and “discounted” drinks eventually led us to the tattoo bar after party, where the REAL fun started.

tattoo is the kind of place where 50yo skeezy male lobbyists bring clients and order grey goose bottle service and johnnie walker on some overmarketed industry’s dime while confused 30yo women atop faux leather bench seating dance to white snake, prince, and new edition.

this, of course, was AWESOME. because no one was actually spending their own money, i literally had top shelf liquor thrown at me from all directions. bombay and tonic? why thank you. amstel light? how declasse. also, in a city where single women outnumber single men 2 to 1, the ratio at this bar (maybe 50/50. maybe more men) was fortuitous. while nikki was charming the 401k lobby, i was being aggressively pursued by several old men. what the hell have i been doing at dc9 all these months? jesus.

let’s break down the men (and woman).
1. red shirt guy: was into corporate real estate and didn’t buy me a drink. coincidence?
2. tall black guy: called me “boss” (”girl, you know you’re the boss lady”). also had a matching tie and pocket handkerchief and an impeccably cut suit. very fabulous.
3. white shirt guy: all over the place, and his idea for how to woo me? “i know i’m really effeminate, but i’m really cool. just takes time.” he slipped me his number on a napkin at the end of the night (a first).
4. andy dick lookalike: writes snarky movie reviews and his favorite film is supposedly “rosemary’s baby.” my response: “that would be your favorite movie.” i think he fell in love w/ me right there. also, he would randomly come by and rub himself on me, which would be way weirder if i wasn’t sure he was gay.
5. defense dept contractor: he was from richmond, he was probably married and had pocketed his ring, but he was by far my favorite. he was taking out a congressional liaison, and ended up with a $450 bar tab. he paid it like it was nothing. this is how business is done, and THIS IS WHY DC IS SO F’D UP. btw, the liaison looked like eric roberts in the creepiest way possible.
6. crazy wheelchair-bound asian lesbian: this girl was nuts. she was dancing with everyone in her wheelchair, throwing back shots, screaming at entire bar. it was the sweetness. then as the party was dying down, she grabbed my wrist, rubbed my arm a little, and insisted i go back w/ her and her friends to hang out. all the while she was making a cute sniffing motion as she held her forearm to her nose. yes, she was offering me some coke.
she had this intense entourage, which made me think she was a dealer. either way, i took that as a sign to PEACE OUT.

which concludes another tuesday in dc.

i returned to the motherland this weekend in order to bolster the economy via my parents’ money. i did it the michigan way by overindulging in food and clothing, and even got to see some terrible football to boot — terrible football that inspires terrible drinking that causes terrible results. two cautionary tales:

1. this is walt (in yellow).

you may not know walt, but that knowledge isn’t necessary to find this photo hilarious. what you should know is that walt loves michigan football. he will not get married during football season for fear that one of his anniversaries in the future may fall on the same day as an important game. consequently, when michigan sucks at football, walt gets sad and sometimes drinks. when this happens, walt sometimes falls into lakes or wanders 2 miles to a kroger to get carpet cleaner at 4am. this weekend, walt sang songs (his own impromptu “songs”) featuring the names of past michigan football greats while freak dancing a dude in a robe. i’m pretty sure grinding a guy with bad hair in a robe on the street in the freezing cold is something that only happens in college. which is why i’m glad i’m out of college now.

2. another reason why sadness-induced drinking may not be the best idea: the guy who fell from a 2nd-floor foyer and spilled blood all over the floor outside the bar. all this happened while i was cluelessly sipping my delicious canadian brew inside mitch’s, but you know nothing good happened when the owner shoos you out 30 min before closing, the cops are wearing blue latex evidence gloves, and there is crime scene tape all around. the ann arbor news has the details:

A Birmingham man is in critical condition this morning at the University of Michigan Medical Center after falling from the second-story balcony of a downtown Ann Arbor bar while apparently attempting a stunt, police said.

The 30-year-old man suffered a fractured skull and other serious injuries after landing head-first on the concrete outside Mitch’s Place, 1220 S. University Ave. about 1:15 a.m. Sunday, Detective Sgt. Richard Kinsey said.

Witness reports indicate the man attempted to slide down the railing of a stairway from the balcony.

The first officers to arrive at the scene said a large crowd of people was surrounding the man, who was unresponsive and lying in a large pool of blood.
…
Police estimated he fell roughly 18 feet. They confirmed he had been drinking at the bar but are awaiting tests result to determine his level of intoxication. Kinsey said no foul play is suspected and the incident remains under investigation.

i’m hesitant to post this photo, but it’s almost 4am and my judgment sucks. in my infinite wisdom, i took a pic of the bloody scene and got thoroughly reamed out by the cops. i deserved it, but in my defense, i didn’t know what had happened at the time.

you can’t see much, but perhaps that’s for the better.

moral of the story? don’t drink so much. you might do stupid stuff.

michigan’s “star” running back was caught DWI in grand rapids. he blew a .281, was passed out with the car in drive when the cops approached, and was about 9 miles wrong when explaining where he was. a map, courtesy of mr. dailey:

sean doesn’t think the map quite represents HOW WRONG grady was when trying to describe where he was, so i offer you this graphic:

other details from the police report:

• Grady was off-balance and unable to recite the alphabet, with officer Thompson quoting Grady as saying “O, R, S, J, L, P.”

• The officer said he asked for a number between 12 and 14, and Grady answered “15.”

• When asked whether Mickey Mouse is a dog or a cat, Grady answered “dog.”

you know you have some sort of problem when you can’t drink lime water without thinking about delicious/terrible tequila.

/reformed

check out this sweet graphic that ranks states based on their overall drunkenness.

interesting facts:
1. michigan is #24, right in the middle
2. wisconsin, home of the beast, is #1, not surprising since beer basically grows out of the concrete there.
3. alabama is #50, which i suppose is also not that surprising since they have some of the most ridiculous blue laws. then again, i also imagine there’s a lot of reason to want to drink in the lovely heart of dixie.
4. i’m impressed with RI, NH, and VT for bringing the pain at #7, #9, and #10. who woulda thought new englanders could drink like us from the midwest?