Skunkgal - Too Much Skunk In Your Junk

i met spike from top chef

sometimes dc sucks. yesterday, it didn’t.

on assignment, nikki and i went to the hill for lunch to try out obama/mccain burgers at spike’s restaurant. we all chatted about food and politics, and he was fine. a gentleman, but not necessarily a scholar. i asked why he didn’t put arugula on the obama burger, but i don’t think he got the joke.

here are the fruits of our “labor,” but i would have added this line:

On the other hand, the McCain burger was indeed tasty, but the mayo and salsa mix makes the bun slide around but thanks to the mayo and salsa mix, it was a mess — kind of like McCain’s campaign. Hiyo!!

a version of that was apparently edited out. bah.

after returning to work for four more hours, me and two of the USN sorority girls headed to a DC blogger party at the park, otherwise known as the bar where beautiful and well-dressed black people stand in insanely long lines on the weekend, but ugly people are allowed in on the weekdays. more free food and “discounted” drinks eventually led us to the tattoo bar after party, where the REAL fun started.

tattoo is the kind of place where 50yo skeezy male lobbyists bring clients and order grey goose bottle service and johnnie walker on some overmarketed industry’s dime while confused 30yo women atop faux leather bench seating dance to white snake, prince, and new edition.

this, of course, was AWESOME. because no one was actually spending their own money, i literally had top shelf liquor thrown at me from all directions. bombay and tonic? why thank you. amstel light? how declasse. also, in a city where single women outnumber single men 2 to 1, the ratio at this bar (maybe 50/50. maybe more men) was fortuitous. while nikki was charming the 401k lobby, i was being aggressively pursued by several old men. what the hell have i been doing at dc9 all these months? jesus.

let’s break down the men (and woman).
1. red shirt guy: was into corporate real estate and didn’t buy me a drink. coincidence?
2. tall black guy: called me “boss” (“girl, you know you’re the boss lady”). also had a matching tie and pocket handkerchief and an impeccably cut suit. very fabulous.
3. white shirt guy: all over the place, and his idea for how to woo me? “i know i’m really effeminate, but i’m really cool. just takes time.” he slipped me his number on a napkin at the end of the night (a first).
4. andy dick lookalike: writes snarky movie reviews and his favorite film is supposedly “rosemary’s baby.” my response: “that would be your favorite movie.” i think he fell in love w/ me right there. also, he would randomly come by and rub himself on me, which would be way weirder if i wasn’t sure he was gay.
5. defense dept contractor: he was from richmond, he was probably married and had pocketed his ring, but he was by far my favorite. he was taking out a congressional liaison, and ended up with a $450 bar tab. he paid it like it was nothing. this is how business is done, and THIS IS WHY DC IS SO F’D UP. btw, the liaison looked like eric roberts in the creepiest way possible.
6. crazy wheelchair-bound asian lesbian: this girl was nuts. she was dancing with everyone in her wheelchair, throwing back shots, screaming at entire bar. it was the sweetness. then as the party was dying down, she grabbed my wrist, rubbed my arm a little, and insisted i go back w/ her and her friends to hang out. all the while she was making a cute sniffing motion as she held her forearm to her nose. yes, she was offering me some coke.
she had this intense entourage, which made me think she was a dealer. either way, i took that as a sign to PEACE OUT.

which concludes another tuesday in dc.

5 Responses to “ i met spike from top chef ”

  1. loren said:

    awesome! you met spike!!

  2. jina said:

    yay for spike! ew for the rest of your post.

  3. Ratt Stink said:

    when you say “at dc9,” do you mean “sitting on my loveseat watching homicide: life on the streets by myself?”

  4. Russell Heimlich said:

    Atleast someone had burgers on Tuesday…

  5. FamousDC said:

    Aggressive Tuesday [skunk]

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