Archive for April, 2008

actually, she spoke years ago, but the adoring public just got access to lots more text messages. and i just spent a good hour of my life reading through 18 pages of court documents.

most of the texts are of the “I love you so much” variety (boring, and kind of gross in a not-over-high-school sort of way), but there are highlights. the documents start off talking about kwame and co.’s unseemly political machinations, but no one really cares about that. onto the juicy stuff (starting on page 9, for you following along at home), from most disgusting to saddest:

beatty: “i really wanted to give you some good head this morning and i didn’t know how to ask you to let me do it. i wanted to since last friday when you asked me at the club”

kilpatrick: damn. i just got out of the shower and looked at my two way. next time, just tell me to sit down, shut up and do your thing! i’m fucked up now!

beatty: i know, i’m sorry. i have done that before and i will do it again. i just didn’t want you to be turned off if you weren’t in the mood.

he asked at the club? she’s done it before? oral sex? or in a public place? these text messages need way more clarity. also, does T9 allow you to write “fucked?” i thought it screened out naughty words.

then you have this message sent from husband to cheating wife:

“how is your day? it’s amazing how you can go out of town, come back refreshed and i immediately piss you off … you had an attitude untill KK came over. then you were smiling. wish you smiled at me like that”

who knows if he did anything to drive this woman away, but at the moment of this text message, you can’t help feeling for him.

every day that passes, my disdain for slate grows and grows. too contrarian, too pretentious, etc. but two articles have redeemed its standing for me, at least temporarily.

1. “Bigger Than Elvis: Why the haters are wrong about Mariah Carey.”

there isn’t anything terribly quotable in this point-by-point defense of mariah, but to sum up: she’s got skillz, she’s inspired the american idol generation (maybe not a plus for the world, but proof of her influence), she’s versatile, and she predicts the future. really!
the point: E=MC2 is — against all odds — a very good album. maybe great. maybe her best. if you have ever liked a mariah carey song in the history of mariah carey (always be my baby? all i want for christmas is you?), i don’t think it’s crazy for me to say that you’ll like some part of this new album. really. REALLY.

2. “How Dumb Are We?: How long will women shoulder the blame for the pay gap?”

on a less celebratory note, dahlia lithwick — one of the few shining beacons on the slate payroll — rips to shreds the supreme court’s infuriating ledbetter vs. goodyear decision and also mccain’s opinion on the whole gender pay discrimination bill/travesty that got denied in congress last week.
do you want to hear my angry voice? then PLEASE ask me to explain this case to you. and if you wonder where your friend alison went and how they replaced her with a crazy feminist, just read this article. if you aren’t really pissed off by the end of it, i’m not sure why we would ever talk.

half-priced burgers and free ben and jerry’s ice cream can’t compete with tonight’s 200th episode of law & order: SVU. robin williams will be playing some sort of creepy sexual predator.

in other words, euphegenia doubtfire will be taking a break from acting tonight.

at #6 of the “Top 10 Most Useless Jerseys“:

6. Charles Rogers/Mike Williams, Detroit Lions

There’s not much I can say here that hasn’t been said. Both of these high profile wide receivers were drafted early and pretty much did nothing, ever. On one end of the spectrum, there was the injury plagued Rogers, who wasn’t able to bounce back from consecutive season-ending collarbone injuries. And, of course, there’s Williams, who been unable to bounce back from eating too much.

i personally think it’s perfectly acceptable to still wear this charles rogers jersey–which i bought for $15 at TJ maxx midway through his last season.

stay tuned for some rogers action in the CFL? maybe?

Police: Woman lived with dead sister for 1-3 years
Detroit authorities made a gruesome discovery north of Hamtramck tonight. The partially mummified body of a woman was found lying on the kitchen floor about 9:30 p.m. in the 18000 block of Buffalo Street, Detroit Police said.

The woman’s sister was in the home, and police believe she has been living in the house with the body for one to three years, the approximate time it takes for a body to decompose to that extent.
The woman’s body had been at least partially covered with newspapers. Police believe a cat and dog living in the house had eaten some of the remains.

Dozens of dogs and cats, plus a horse, removed from filth
Police rescued more than 60 dogs and puppies, a dozen cats and a horse from the backyard of a Sterling Heights home this afternoon after finding sick, injured animals with lifeless limbs, swollen eyes, open sores, infections and matted hair.

The dogs, some of which may lose their vision because of ulcers in their eyes, were confined to feces-steeped wire cages and surrounded by flies, mice and rats at Lornich Kennels at Mound and 15 Mile. Many of the cats suffered from upper respiratory infections, veterinarians at the scene said. The horse was skinny and filthy.
…
One chihuahua with red, swollen feet was caked in feces and slumped over, his head in a dirty food dish. He struggled to stand up and lift his head when a rescuer approached the cage.

i don’t even like animals and this is terrible. plus it’s 10 miles from my house. i didn’t know we had horses for sale in the suburbs.

got my teeth cleaned this morning, and i think i need a blood transfusion now. the earth day massacre that was my 8:30 appointment had one upside–dentist was tan, fit, well-dressed, and hot. a little rough, but i guess some people like that.

the worst part about the dentist is the uneasy feeling i get from watching a bunch of young, pretty dental hygienists and clerks get ordered around by some dude. the hygienists do all the work, he gets all credit (and money). my feminist panties are all up in a bundle, but i can’t put my finger on why. ideas, anyone?

new york magazine’s headline: “best. show. ever.” and also “The Genius of Gossip Girl: How a wunderkind producer, seven tabloid-ready stars, an army of bloggers, and a nation of texting tweenagers are changing the way we watch television.”

don’t get me wrong, i love gossip girl, but i find the hyperbolic enthusiasm of these headlines a bit — hyperbolic. i appreciate the gushfest, but GG is too young to be revolutionary. there have only been 13 episodes before today, and let’s not forget the OC was pretty good before it totally derailed in its 3rd season. now it’s just a teen melodrama afterthought. what the hell is mischa barton doing these days anyway?

regardless, why you should watch GG:

In the first thirteen episodes, Schwartz has already included a pregnancy scare, a marriage proposal, an attempted rape, a lost virginity, a near-deadly accident, a divorce, a suicide attempt, multiple thefts, blackmail, a drug addiction, a threesome, at least two counts of breaking and entering, and an eating disorder.

so glad GG is back. jenny humphrey, you bad bitch, you.

in other tv news, i didn’t know jesse l. martin was leaving law and order. you will be missed, but i am very much intrigued that anthony anderson will be taking his spot. he played a detective for an episode of SVU, but will now take the full-time spot on L&O “prime” (what imdb calls it).

AA was great in season 4 of the shield (oddly, the only season i’ve seen), and i am amused by l&o’s very tidy racial transposition. must. meet. quota.

thanks for the quote, maura. i was way too lazy to find one myself.

i could really care less that the pope is in the united states, but his ride is hot.

the one he’s sporting in the US of A is a “custom-built two-door Mercedes ML 430 that was donated to the Vatican in 2002.” another fact: JPII didn’t like how the car was called popemobile (”undignified, he said), but this debate rages on:

A Vatican spokesman couldn’t say whether popemobile (small p) describes every car in the pontiff’s fleet or whether only the car in use by the pope is the Popemobile with a big p (the same way any plane carrying the U.S. president becomes Air Force One).

also, how awful must it be when (not if) the pope rips one in that glass box of his?
and does it amuse anyone else that the pope is so obviously on display? literally in a bullet-proof box that sort of resembles a uhaul. i guess most public figures are often on display, but here, they’re not even pretending. (look. dont’ touch.)

plus, check out the BMW version of the popemobile that got rejected by the powers that be:

the beemer is way cooler. i also enjoyed this washington post slideshow.

thanks kent and jesse, whose jokes i totally stole.