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Archive for April, 2007

why pennsylvania is only good for pit stops

millersville university denied this chick her education degree because of a “drunken pirate” picture she posted on her myspace page.

“Jane S. Bray, dean of the School of Education, accused Snyder of promoting underage drinking, the suit states.”

reasons why this is dumb: 1) the woman was 25 at the time, so she wasn’t drinking underage. 2) she could be drinking water for all we know 3) isn’t there a teacher shortage in this country right now?
the wannabe teacher is suing the university’s collective asses for $75,000. i hope they slap some punitive damages on to boot, mostly because the whole thing is dumb as balls.

proof that my life is in shambles

heading out the door today, i decided i needed a little snack before work (some would call this “breakfast”). i saw a bag of chips and thought, “hah! finally, i get to eat my roommates’ food and screw them over like they’ve screwed me over time and time again.”
it wasn’t until i was stuffing oily potatoes in my mouth that i realized that i had actually bought those chips in a drunken haze. it totally explains the greasy hangover two weeks back, and also explains why the chips were in my cabinet. i have once again foiled my own diabolical plan.


Starting Monday, April 30, 2007, Alison Go officially gets paid to blog.

it’s true. because my dear colleague elizabeth green is leaving u.s. news for greener, more neoconservative pastures (no pun intended), i’ll be taking over her duties as author of the papertrail blog. my tenure will begin monday. look for my signature incisive wit, but no longer laced with profanity or pictures of attractive men, that is unless college newspapers feature pics of hot dudes and we also have the rights to post them.

this will put my blog count to three, and i’m sure i can maintain the utmost quality of all my endeavors

let’s take another stroll down superficial, vomit-in-my-mouth lane

inside edition posted its list of dc’s hottest bachelors!
question: why do the white guys have enormous hair? and why are they all “world class ______”? the guy who won is pretty buff, but i like the environmentalist. green is so sexy.

plus, his name is philippe cousteau. how foreign and adorable. he must be like, totally british or something.

if you’re looking for the female counterpart, look no further.

girls, if you continue to twirl so hard, you might fall over. just one blue steel is about all i can handle. ::blushing::

insert cliche about hotness here

thank you jesse for sending me a link to The Beautiful Room, a dallas social club that is exclusively for, you guessed it, beautiful people.

a lot of these people are seriously hot, but most i’d say are above average, if not overtanned porn stars. i suggest taking a peek at the “beautiful pictures” if you want some fun.
even better, is reading these two articles about the group. one is by the dallas observer, an alt weekly, and the other is by details, the men’s magazine un-differentiate-able from other men’s magazines.
from details: A year-old social club in Dallas, The Beautiful Room is open only to people deemed attractive by Martini and a panel of judges. The concept is simple enough. “When you go to a bar, maybe only 5 percent of the people in there are people you’d want to talk to,” says Martini, 32, lounging on a red velvet couch at a Dallas restaurant called Dragonfly, where he’s nursing the cocktail that shares his name. His hair is messy in an orderly way, and he has the kind of tan that takes work. “What if you could go to a place where everyone in there was that 5 percent?”
and the observer: “The way I understand it, the couple decided that they were so beautiful and their friends were so beautiful and they had such “beautiful experiences” with these beautiful friends, why not just have a club full of beautiful people? And hell, while we’re at it, let’s charge ’em for it. As the founder put it to me during my introductory phone interview: “Have you ever been in a club and wished you could get rid of half the people in the room?” At that point, I hadn’t. But after nights out with the TBR crowd at Sense and the Candle Room, I started to identify with the sentiment.”

as much as i agreed with the observer POV, sounding like an angry, self-righteous bitch is unbecoming for a writer. i prefer the sincerity with which details approached the subject matter, and when he did take some pot shots, he did it cleverly enough that the TBR idiots didn’t even know what hit them. like stealing someone’s kidney while they he slept. or something.

PSA: there is an assload of caffeine in CVS menstrual relief pills

around 3pm today i began literally running around the office going crazy. i was really hyper, couldn’t sit still, and was talking really fast. i even mentioned to another intern that i felt as if i were having heart palpitations. i thought back to what i had consumed today: 2 bananas, handful of pretzels, carton of red beans and rice, a small bag of reese’s pieces, and one 8 oz cup of coffee. what the hell was wrong with me?

i then remembered i had also taken 3 pills for cramps. (TMI? get over it) i checked the label, and lo and behold, there are 60 mg of caffeine in each pill. caffeine is a diuretic, which would be a boon for bloating, but caffeine is also a CRAZY DRUG, and almost killed me today.

for some perspective, there are 55 mg of caffeine in one can of mountain dew, 80 mg in redbull. if you include the coffee i drank (appx 100 mg), i consumed upwards of 280 mg of caffeine in about 4 hours. that’s almost 1 red bull an hour. “jitters” doesn’t even come close to describing it.

lesson from today: check drug labels. and get rid of my uterus.

the environmental protection agency sucks at protecting the environment

that’s actually old news, but what i really meant to write was that the occupational safety and health administration sucks at ensuring the safety and health of U.S. workers.

“Since George W. Bush became president, OSHA has issued the fewest significant standards in its history, public health experts say. It has imposed only one major safety rule. The only significant health standard it issued was ordered by a federal court.
The agency has killed dozens of existing and proposed regulations and delayed adopting others. For example, OSHA has repeatedly identified silica dust, which can cause lung cancer, and construction site noise as health hazards that warrant new safeguards for nearly three million workers, but it has yet to require them.
Instead of regulations, Mr. Foulke and top officials at other agencies favor a “voluntary compliance strategy,” reaching agreements with industry associations and companies to police themselves.
Administration officials say such programs are less costly, allowing companies to hire more workers and keep consumer prices down.”

yes, please hire more underpaid workers so you can spread your misery to more and more poor people. UGH. i’m no socialist but this is absurd.

interestingly enough, OSHA ranks number 87 out of 222 federal government subagencies when it comes to employee satisfaction, while the department of labor (its umbrella agency) ranks 15 out of 30. don’t you think a government agency dedicated to tracking the U.S. workforce should somehow have happier workers? that they have something to learn from all the businesses they study? as i’ve been told before, i expect too much.

p.s. while you’re at it, check out my story on the rankings. no, i was not smart enough to find it on my own.

if you’re still using aol, you can stop bothering with botox

the best part of technology moving really fast is that it timestamps everything, including people. sort of like reading rings on a tree or carbon dating, just check out what e-mail provider someone is using, and you can probably guess their age.

aol/ameritech/anything provided by a cable service: these are people who were young enough to be early adopters of comprehensive internet access in its commercial infancy (10 years ago or so) but also be old enough to afford it and also old enough to not embrace change. the ones who use ameritech or comcast finally wised up to cable (dialup? YARGH), but didn’t understand web-based mail. average age: 44

yahoo/hotmail: this is the first generation of college e-mail users. they hung onto their .edu addresses for as long as possible, but then when forced to switch, used the most prominent free providers out there. this is before the popularity of crazy flashing banner ads, and once locked in (with shitty slow service) they never bothered to change. newsflash: tagging and mail forwarding. average age: 31

gmail: college class of 2004 and younger. since it launched april 1, 2004, and was created by the near-holy google, everyone ditching their college e-mails needed the newest and best thing out there. gmail is the standard, and besides facebook, is clearly the only way to communicate while at the office. average age: 23

this age-identifying system could be applied to almost all tech type stuff, such as social networking site of choice (friendster? really?) or IM client (does anyone under the age of 30 use ICQ?) and the only reason i decided to say anything about it was because i noticed someone on one of my football teams is using juno. JUNO. wow. lady, not only are you old, but maybe you’re also senile. start taking the alzheimer’s meds now.